Stanford announces plans to bring students back on campus, cancel tuition

In a surprise email, Stanford President Marc Tessier-Lavigne announced that all students would return to campus with their tuition waived. The cause of this abrupt change in policy? Researchers in the School of Medicine discovered a COVID-19 vaccine that is 100% effective. The free tuition was an innovation from the Hoover Institution. "We call it trickle down tuition payments," a Hoover spokesperson said. "Stanford will actually make more tuition money by not charging any tuition."

Stanford to un-discontinue 11 varsity sports

"We're back, baby!" Stanford Athletics Director Bernard Muir announced to an ecstatic audience over Zoom. The abrupt reversal in athletic department's fortunes resulted from unexpected cost savings elsewhere in the department. "No, we didn't get rid of all the administrators or SIDs," Muir said. Instead, the Athletics Department managed to raise the necessary money by canceling the football team. "It was an act of mercy," Muir explained.

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Jk, this is it